Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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