the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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