Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
