you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
