I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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