It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
