in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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