I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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