My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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