some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
