I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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