Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
