Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
