dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
