Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
