Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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