I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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