I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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