Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
