you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
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Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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