remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
