So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
