the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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