remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
