Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
