Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
