I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
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#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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