Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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