What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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