I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
