I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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