finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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