I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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