i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
