i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
