seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
