nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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