It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
