I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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