Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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