smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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