I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
