you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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