She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
