I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
