woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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