I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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