drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
