Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
