Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
