Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
