I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How's work?
Spinning.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
