I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
