I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
