my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
