His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
