i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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