i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
