I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
