just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
