Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
