So drunk its hurt
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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